hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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