just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
