Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Randomize
