Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
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He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
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I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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