Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
