I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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