the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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