and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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