ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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