Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
