I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
