Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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