How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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