Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
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Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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