I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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