i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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