yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
