Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
