You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
