Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
