How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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