Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
tonight lets celebrate not being married
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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