I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize