standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
