allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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