No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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