I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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