listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
