I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
