just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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