So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
someone owes me an orgasm
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
