Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
