so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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