does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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