i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Randomize
