Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
