The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
