did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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