I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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