I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
