oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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