Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
