Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
