Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
