Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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