if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
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