you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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