I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
