The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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