Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
