You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
