I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
