we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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